I need some “good paranoia”

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Once we register and become a card carrying members of Closeted Cross-Dressers International, a certain level of acceptable paranoia is awarded to us as a welcoming gift. Obviously I am kidding about the organization (CCDI), but not the paranoia part.

It is kind of like the “good stress” I remember an organizational development instructor telling us about in a work related seminar. If I remember correctly, the gist of it was that some stress kept us on our toes, motivated, and with tasks in mind. Too much stress or just plain old bad stress was never any good. Similarly, I think there is a “good paranoia” that we harness and as long as it doesn’t become “too much paranoia” or “bad paranoia”, we just learn to live with it.

A good level of paranoia motivates us to be careful with how we keep ourselves in the closet. The paranoia that if I leave even the slightest clue lying around it will get me caught and outed, or at least arouse suspicion. It may be all in my head, but I put a lot of effort into keeping my lifestyle hidden.

None of my clothes, makeup, accessories, etc. are stored out in plain sight. Our friends and family know my wife’s style and would instantly ask “why do you have this??” Even worse, they might pick up a shoe and ask “when did your foot grow??” In my case, being a 1950’s housewife wanna-be, most of my things are inconsistent with normal day-to-day items you would find in a house in 2014.
That paranoia also causes me to take great care in removing all traces of make-up and nail polish on surfaces that will be visible in public. I have been sloppy about that in my youth and it definitely drew some odd looks from people. A trace of red around a cuticle or a little glob of black in the corner of your eye is hard to explain away, so once I recognized the quizzical look,I would quickly remove myself from the immediate area. Now I know exactly what to double check for before reinserting myself in public.

Since I also get a little over effeminate in my actions while dressed up, I am extremely conscious of my actions and gestures as I come back to plain old guy mode. It is a little backwards, but my conscious thought has to be aimed at acting like a guy for a period of time. I had a coach once who said you have to think like a winner, because the body will go where the mind is. I completely believe he was correct in his logic, because my body (actions) definitely go where my mind is… which is somewhere feminine.

I went from being somewhat cautious in my youth to being extremely careful about the evidence I leave behind. The paranoia does help keep me on my toes. I have talked to some CDs who leave things out in the open and feel that things “hidden in plain sight” are more concealed than things truly hidden. One argument was that if my kids found a locked box, they would probably just have to find out what was inside. Once they found some clothes and make-up, they would question why it was hidden. One thing would lead to another and in the end the CSI agent would point to me. Female clothes and make-up are already commonly found in my house, so nobody would question them.  To a degree, this theory is mostly true, except (1) my wife’s shoe size is not 11, (2) she doesn’t wear pearls, (3) she doesn’t have a girdle, (4) she doesn’t have any petticoats, (5) etc., etc.

I’m just cautiously paranoid, not so bad that it becomes a hindrance or what I would call “bad paranoia”. I will know I’ve gone off the deep end when every time someone looks at me I will think they know about Valerie. Likewise I would worry all day long that someone is going to stumble upon my hidden things and that I need to get home to protect my secret. If it ever came to that, I would just give up and come on out of the closet. That would never be worth it.

There will always be some clues out there for the extremely acute to pickup on. I could never eliminate absolutely 100% of the evidence. If I couldn’t live with that, then that would be an obvious clue that I was in the realm of “too much” or “bad paranoia”. If you really paid attention you may notice that even though I wear long sleeves all winter long, I have no hair on my hands and arms, whereas I do in the summertime.

Probably the most obvious clue I leave all year round is my eyebrows. Like other body hair, I can’t stand those hairy caterpillars that guys get as they grow older. Long, wild, nasty eyebrows. So yes, I pluck them and shape them somewhat. That is they look more feminine than the average guy, but not pencil thin and high arched either. Just somewhere comfortably in between. I regularly put hair gel in my hair when in guy mode, and frequently will wipe a little bit into my brows, going against the grain to get a less manicured/wilder look. Helps to conceal and nobody has ever said anything about it. One reason I do it year round is so that people get used to it as my normal look. If I went from bushes to feminine arches one day in November, I know it would get questioned.

So I have that an acceptable level of paranoia that I think most of us have. We just learn to live with it and deal with it, being a cross-dresser in the closet. I was unaware of it when I was young, and but then it became a big part of my consciousness. But as I get older, I think the paranoia is starting to reduce. Actually, I think that is a byproduct of me caring less what others may or do think. Kind of a carefree attitude for us closet dwellers, but I don’t think the good paranoia will ever reduce to a risky level.

However, I do have to put some thought into starting the CCDI organization, as I would like to carry that membership card in my purse…
-ValS

You WILL wear this dress!

When searching the internet for topics related to cross-dressing or transvestites, you can’t help but stumble upon a few hundred websites dealing with the idea of being forced to dress like a woman. It can be called many things… forced feminization, sissifying, petticoating, etc., but the theme is generally the same: I don’t want to wear this dress, but she* made me!

Now the she* could be an angry/scorned wife or girlfriend, exes, former secretaries or employees, dominating mothers, mean sisters, and the list goes on and on. It could involve blackmailing or threatening to reveal something significant or something else that leaves the target with “no choice but to comply”. Sometimes it even involves drugging or tying up the “victim” so they can’t fight back. Oh please, don’t make me wear these panties…

For some reason there seems to be a group out there that doesn’t want to wear feminine things, but with circumstances out of their control, now has to. This idea fascinates me to no end.

I have said before that I am remarkably submissive when dressed up. If my wife told me to do almost anything while dressed, I probably would. I just don’t feel like I have any power to resist when all femme’d up. However, I want to dress as a woman. I, me, Valerie wants to get prettied up. I certainly don’t need my wife, mother, ex-girlfriend or anyone to “make me do it”. If my wife said that from now on I was only allowed to wear skirts in our house, I would say great! No arm twisting needed here.

It makes me wonder if there is a large segment of cross-dressers who feel the need to dress as a woman, but who can’t get around the psychological gender aspects of actually doing it. Sort of an “I’m a guy, so I can’t wear this dress, no matter how much I want to” mentality. Maybe the “forced” idea gives them a psychological excuse, and then it becomes “I’m a guy, so I can’t wear this dress, but she* is making me.”

From the look of the websites that deal directly with this subject, it is more related to transvestic fetishism. (I know, I know… another label).  Guys who don’t want to dress as a woman all the time, but being forced to wear a dress, or panties, or everything provides sexual stimulation.  So then maybe this is a whole different class of cross-dressers all together.  It is likely that these sites are not aimed at us standard cross-dressers at all, and are more related to the sub-culture world of dominance and S&M, just in a much softer way. Instead of being beaten and humiliated, the subject is feminized and humiliated. To be humiliated, they would truly not want to dress like a woman and therefore would consider it degrading.

Whatever… I’m just intrigued by the idea because deep down I want someone to tell me I have to dress as a woman for the rest of my days.  Sounds like a great fantasy to me.  I just don’t really need to be forced to do it. I would be a willing participant, as you all know!

-ValS

So why don’t all guys like these things?

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I have said over and over again that I get the idea that I am the one who somehow got some wires crossed.  I understand that my desire to dress and look like a woman is not what most men experience.  I don’t know why I have these desires, but I do.  Always have and likely always will.

Only someone who shares my desire to cross-dress will truly understand what I am about to say, but it is the truth. I can not understand why the average male does not want to dress like a woman too!

Why wouldn’t a guy want to shave and feels smooth as silk all over?  It’s such a wonderful feeling. Why wouldn’t they want to wear silk, satin, and all kinds of sensual fabrics that would accentuate that feeling even more?

Why do they not want to smell nice?  A woman’s perfume can be intoxicating!  Why don’t they want to smell like that too?  That goes for lotions as well.  Some are simply wonderful and last for hours.  Why don’t they enjoy that?

How come they don’t want to bring out their eyes with makeup and add color to their drab faces?  Why don’t they want to wear jewelry that accessorizes their outfits to set them off so subtly?

Why don’t they want a purse to put all their things into so that they have them in one place?  Why don’t they want their shoes to match?  Speaking of shoes, why don’t they also want heels?  They alter your stance and cause you to walk so… well…sexily.

Why don’t they want to have long nails and to color them?  Why don’t they want their toenails done too?

Again, I get it that I am the type of person most guys will never understand.  I am clearly in the extreme minority wanting the things that I do.  Still, it I can’t understand why.  You can’t just say,”Because they are guys/men”. I know that is the answer to the question, but that doesn’t specifically answer my question, and get to the heart of the matter.

Last week I heard a coworker ask another if she liked chocolate, her response was “Well who doesn’t?”  That is similar to my thought process here.  Do you like to paint your nails?  Well, who doesn’t?

Regular guys don’t like these feminine things.  Heck, some women don’t like these feminine things.  I just can’t understand why.  I’m not just making that up, I truly don’t understand why.  Like I said at the beginning of this post… only someone who shares my desire to cross-dress will truly understand my logic (or lack of) here.  And also like I said before…que sera, sera.

-ValS

1 in 20… So where are they all?

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I couldn’t tell you where I read it or from what source I heard it, but I recall someone stating that male to female cross-dressers were much more common than most people think.  The figure I remember was as common as one in every twenty guys had similar desires, whether they acted on them or not.

As I think about that figure… 1 in 20… I wonder how the heck anyone could come up with any percentage of cross-dressers, let alone one so high as 5%.  It’s not like it’s a category on the census taken every ten years.  If there was a poll sent out in the mail, I never received one.  So how could they have come up with that number?

Regardless of whether it’s accurate or not, it’s the only guesstimate I have ever heard, so I tend to quote it.  However, the figure brings to mind a number of things that keep me wondering…

First of all, where the heck are all these cross-dressers??  It would seem that 99.9% of the cross-dressers out there (5% of males) are also in the closet.  Could be.  I mean that’s my story so why couldn’t it be true for thousands of others?

So now when I look out into a crowd or group, I wonder which of the guys are the cross-dressers.  If the stat is accurate, then 2 or 3 of the guys on the average football team (American) are CDs.  The average high school classroom would likely have one.  Look around wherever you may be and do the math.  There are probably some CDs within view at almost any moment (assuming you’re not alone).  If that’s the case, I am not very good a picking them out.

Now my wife has pretty good gaydar, better than me.  But never has she simply suspected a guy she saw was a cross-dresser.  We must be better at hiding.  I wish I could somehow ID another CD in guy mode.  We should have a secret signal to know who is and who is not.  Hard to organize such a thing with 99.9% of us in the closet.  Thing is, we just don’t automatically recognize each other.  If you have ever seen a flock of thousands of Canadian Geese, ask yourself how does one goose know which of the almost identical geese is the one they mated with?  They just know.  Same with penguins. We don’t have that ability to identify other CDs.  Maybe that’s not a good analogy.  I mean I can pick out my wife in big group. Whatever, you get what I’m trying to say.

Another thought I have had is theoretically 1 in 20 women could be dating a cross-dresser right now.  1 in 20 women could be married to one and not even know it.  Missing some makeup?  Missing some lingerie?  I’m not saying he is, but…

So how many of us are there?  No one really knows.  For a long time I thought we were pretty rare.  Once the internet became main-stream I learned there are more of us than I thought, but I am not convinced that 1 in 20 is right.  Maybe it is, maybe it’s an even higher percentage.  I just don’t believe anyone can get the answer with the vast majority of us in the closet.

Until we are issued the double-secret decoder rings with secret ID cards, I will just have to keep wondering who is and who isn’t.  Doesn’t matter really.  The only figure that count’s to me and my wife is that 100% of me is a cross-dresser.  I have verified and certified that percentage over and over again throughout the years.

-ValS

Where will it end? If it ever ends at all…

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In my last post I mentioned that I frequently “under dress”, which to us cross-dressers means wearing something feminine under our regular guy clothes.  Panties, hose, camisoles, and some might try to get away with a bra.  For me it just mostly means wearing panties.

While I do enjoy it, I have mentioned that it is not nearly as satisfying as a fully femme experience.  It used to be, but over time things progressed and I found myself wanting more.  It is kind of a scary thought, because it’s hard to say where it will end, or if it will ever end at all.

When I first started dressing, a pair of panties, a skirt, a top, and a pair of heels is all I needed.  I felt fulfilled with that type of getup for a while.  Slowly I added panty hose, a bra, and then something to stuff my bra.  Later the fascination with makeup and doing my hair came into the equation.  Painting my nails, then progressing to fake nails came into my routine.

Then one day I was looking into the mirror and saw the absolute nastiness of my leg hair under the hose.  That was all it took and shaving my legs was the next big advancement in Valerie’s development.  First it was just the lower calves, and then it progressed up my legs until they were totally hairless.  Then one day I was typing on the computer while dressed, and being a crappy typist I always look at my fingers when typing.  Ughh! Beautiful nails, beautiful rings, and hairy knuckles.  Then I looked at my arms and that was it.  The next time I shaved, the hands and arms got done as well.

Until that point I had always worn tops that were not low cut to hide chest hair.  But once I discovered a boob-belt and learned how to make cleavage I wanted to try it out.  Not to mention most of the dresses I wanted were cut to show it.  So that was it, shaving was a 100% exercise from that point on.

By this time, life had gotten in the way of me having a femme head of hair, and to look professional as a guy I needed it short.  So wigs came into the mix.  That was a learning experience, and still is to be honest.  But they were a fun addition because I could go any direction I wanted.

So I went from putting on a skirt and heels to completely feminizing myself.  Now I don’t really like dressing too much in the summer because I can’t stand Valerie with body hair.  If I don’t have time to do complete makeup, I sometimes pass on dressing because it’s not 100%.

The advancement has slowed down a bit, but it is still present to a degree.  My wife and I were in the makeup section of a store recently, and I picked up a pair of false eyelashes.  I asked her if she’s ever tried them, and she laughed and said no.  So I bought them and will now try those next time Valerie comes over.  If the experience is good, it will become part of the routine.  Something else to deal with, but I love it.  Every time I think I am at the maximum, something else sort of creeps in to Valerie’s world.  I’m not sure what’s next, but I’m sure something is.

So, for me to get the maximum satisfaction of dressing as Valerie, I need a decent amount of time and gear.  I still will just put on a skirt and heels once in awhile when I have an hour or so to enjoy just simply having something feminine on, and I will still just wear some panties under my regular guy clothes.  It’s all fun to a degree, but nothing is as good as the full transformation.  It’s what I now refer to as FFV…Fully Feminine Valerie.

-ValS

All dressed up with no place to go

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Being deep in the closet means that I don’t get out much, at least not as Valerie. One of the main reasons that I spend so much of my dress-up time at home doing housework is that there is not much else to do.  That and I am a bit of a neat freak and I kind of like cleaning.

But still, more often than not I find myself literally all dressed up with no place to go.  I would like to get out as Val once in a while and have a chance to move around for a few hours.  It would be like getting a recess after being stuck in the classroom for so long.  Just a chance to stretch and enjoy some fresh air.

When I talked about winning the lottery a few posts back, this was one of the main reasons I would buy a secluded house all to myself.  Just to have a chance to wander outside without the possibility of getting caught.  Even if I were to drive somewhere, having that secluded house would allow me to come and go without arousing too much suspicion.  I guess I should pick some better numbers.

It’s not that I have never had the chance to go out all femme’d up.  I have done it on a number of occasions, and to varying degrees.  Each time it was exhilarating even though I was scared to death.  Regardless, I love the feel of the wind blowing on my freshly shaved legs, even in the coldest of weather.

I had underdressed many times when I was younger, typically just wearing panties under my guy clothes.  But the opportunity to go out fully dressed didn’t come along until I was 15 years old.  My parents were out of town and my siblings were away.  So I dressed in one of my mother’s skirts, blouses, and pair of heels.  I did my makeup and attempted to do my hair in feminine fashion.  I didn’t think I looked too bad, and went to the closet to get a purse to carry for the evening.  Once inside the closet, I found the purse I wanted and there was something else there I had never put on before… my mother’s long dressy coat.  I put in on and instantly thought I could go out, and I did.

It was dark and I went and got into one of our cars.  After what seemed like an eternity, I started the car and drove out of the driveway.  I had no idea where to go or what the heck I was doing but I was out in the world dressed as a woman for the first time and I loved it.  I decided to drive to an area that was not too populated and found a neighborhood that was freshly under construction.  I pulled over on street that had only one or two houses under construction, and I got out of the car and walked a bit down the street.  After a few minutes of pure joy, I heard a car coming and I ran (heels clicking) back to the car and started to head back home.

The car I heard was nowhere near me in reality, but I could have sworn it was 100 ft away.  So I drove out of the neighborhood and as I was leaving the car I had heard was coming straight towards me.  Scared of being seen too closely, I turned the opposite way I needed to for the drive home.  I knew the area and knew I could get home without too much trouble.  It just so happened that I now had to drive right by my then girlfriend’s house and you guessed it, she was outside with some of her girl friends.  Luckily no one noticed me, and I made the drive home without issue.

I was shaking as I went back into the house, but I had just experienced the most exciting thing I have ever been though in my life to that point.  I knew I would do it again sometime in the future. I had three similar experiences in the months after that first time.  Still exciting, but never like that first experience.

The next time I had an opportunity was after I had my red outfit that my wife had bought me.  She curled my hair, did my make up and helped me dress.  I had told her I would like to go out, but was scared.  True to her style, she grabbed my purse and said let’s go missy!  We got in her car and she drove to a grocery store we regularly went to.  She didn’t park very close to the entrance, but again it felt like she parked me right in front of the doorway.  She asked if I was coming in and I said no.  She grabbed her purse and said she would be back in a few minutes and that I shouldn’t do anything that she wouldn’t do.  No chance of that happening…

Once she came back with a few items, she asked if there was anywhere I wanted to go.  I had nothing in mind and really was ready to back home.  She said OK, and drove off.  We were heading home when she turned up a road that was not part of the way home, and it took us to a parking lot of the college we both attended.  She parked the car and said “get out”.  I’m sure I looked terrified and she said it again, “get out”.  I was frozen and she said that if I didn’t get out of the car immediately, she would drive me to the most populous place she could think of and make sure I was noticed.  She then said, “Last chance. Get out or off we go!” Being scared and submissive when dressed, I got out of the car and closed the door.  She rolled the window down, handed me my purse, and said she would pick me up at a parking lot across campus in about 15 minutes, and I had better be there or she was going home.  Then she drove off and I was standing there looking like a hooker on college campus.  Not good.

The walk was truly uneventful.  I ran in to no one up close and I hardly saw anyone at all.  I found my way to the pick up spot and found my wife there.  I reached for the door and found it locked.  After a few minutes of her saying something like “can I help you miss?” she let me in.  I told her I was terrified, and she said “but you loved it” and she was right.  She drove me home from there.  What a great night that was!

Since then I have only had one fully dressed outing.  My wife was away with some friends and I got dressed up.  Got in her car and drove around for an hour or so.  I realized that her car was easily recognized so I ended up going home without getting out.  Still was fun.

There have been a few occasions where I had to drive myself a good distance by myself so I would stop and put on a skirt and heels and make the drive girly from the waist down.  It was enjoyable, but not the same as a fully dressed experience.  I still regularly wear panties under my guy things, but that is nowhere near as satisfying.  It helps to a degree though, so I will keep doing that.

That is pretty much the extent of my going out as Valerie.  Some great experiences that I would love to repeat, but have not had the opportunity.  Too hard with family and friends around and I don’t want to out myself.  It has been about 15 years since that last fully dressed experience and it seems like a lifetime.

Since it is hard to find an opportunity to just get dressed at home, I asked my wife if I should just get hotel room to dress up, and she said she thought that would be a good idea.  I’m sure she wouldn’t want me going out dressed, but I would consider it.  Even if it was just a drive to a secluded spot and a brief walk around a parking lot.  I would probably have to get myself an outfit that doesn’t scream 1950’s queen, but I would love to have an outdoor look as well as indoor.  Maybe this will all happen this fall.  Fingers crossed!

-ValS