So I was recently watching a talk show, as I have been known to do on many occasions. On stage was a group of people who were supposedly volunteers from the audience. One kept barking like a dog. Another was walking/strutting around like a chicken whilst making an annoying clucking sound. Another was searching for fleas or bugs on the person beside her, much like a monkey would do. In the back was a woman singing opera like she was performing at the Met. There were others, but you get the idea.
The guest of the day was a hypnotist, and he was putting on a good show for the audience at the good natured expense of the volunteers. After they were told to forget his orders to behave oddly, the hypnotist woke the group up. They were all fine and talked about feeling a bit odd, but not really remembering doing what they had just done on stage. They were shown video as evidence and they all laughed in disbelief.
After watching, I thought that somewhere along the line in my life, I must have been hypnotized. Somehow the hypnotist had forgotten to remove the orders to want to look and act like a woman, and to think I was living in the 1950’s. Somehow I must have gotten out of the show or performance without that final step being completed. It all makes sense now!!
However, there are a few flaws to this theory. First of all, I don’t recall being on a talk show or at a hypnotist’s performance. I asked my mother if I had ever been on television when I was young, or in the presence of a hypnotist. The only thing she could think of was my attending a children’s morning television show at a local television station. Some clowns, some puppets, and a make-believe farmer and his wife as the hosts. Nothing too suspicious there. I then asked what the farmer’s wife was wearing, and my mother replied she had no idea. She then asked me why would I want to know that, and I quickly just changed the subject.
Another flaw to this theory is that as the hypnotized group was doing all these odd things, they seemed unaware of the fact that it was indeed odd. I get that putting on a dress, heels, make-up, wig, etc. is not typically normal for most guys. I am not just following some cross-dressing orders oblivious to that fact that it’s happening. I am fully aware of what I am doing.
Another thing is that they had no recollection of having done these things once the “suggestion” was removed. Remember they had to be shown a video as evidence. I am aware of the fact that I dress up and typically clean my house long after I return to guy form. Once the femme euphoria wears off and the realization that I now have to wear male clothes hits, it’s generally all I can think of, which would be the exact opposite of what they experienced. However, I am still chasing this ludicrous theory as if the “suggestion” has not been removed from my mind, so there is room for some flexibility here.
So let’s assume it did happen, I was hypnotized as a child to have an extreme desire to look and act like a typical woman from the 1950’s. The hypnotic suggestion allowed me to be aware of the desires, but unable to fend it off for more than 4-5 months. So eventually something triggers the desire in me. The hypnotist on TV said whenever the volunteers hear a bell, they would act out the suggestions. My trigger must be temperature related. Cold winter weather makes me want to be a housewife. This is starting to make even more sense now!!
But who would have me hypnotized in the first place?? I didn’t know my wife back then, so she’s innocent. Maybe my mom had it done so I wouldn’t be a messy child. I had and older sibling that was very messy, and my mom constantly complained about it. I however, was always a neat freak and needed things organized. I also used to stay home from school, dress up and clean my house. Hmmm… free housekeeping services for my mother. Could it be?
My mother and wife get along very well and talk to each other quite often. They are much closer that a typical wife and mother-in-law usually are. Maybe my mother has left the hypnotic suggestion in place so that my wife can now take advantage of my services. As I said, my wife doesn’t particularly love my cross-dressing, but she tolerates it. At least I was led to believe she tolerates it. It is possible that she lets me think she is being accepting of my desires, but is in fact just using me for cleaning services. I clean and love her immensely for allowing me to do it! What a deal for her!
Ok, ok, I am way out there on this one. There is no way this could have realistically happened and I am just being a bit silly again. It actually sounds like the premise of a transvestite fiction story, like what you can find plastered all over the internet. It also sounds like an odd movie that would be shown on the Lifetime movie channel (or as I like to call it, the “Men are no damn good” channel).
The point I really want to make is that the desire to cross-dress and my attraction to all things 1950’s seems like something is planted in my mind. I can’t express to all the “normal” people in the world how strange it is to have a desire that you know is odd and yet you can’t seem to dismiss it. It just eats at you until you either satisfy the urge to dress etc. or you go crazy.
The other weekend when I fell in love will an old orange pagoda style umbrella, I knew I could never use it. Being in the closet means never needing an umbrella for Valerie. I could never carry it in guy mode. It was completely feminine (and oh so lovely!) and there was no way a guy would carry it anymore than he would carry a purse. So the umbrella made absolutely no sense to a closeted CD. None what-so-ever, I know that. So why do I feel so compelled to own it?? What is this “hypnotic suggestion” that keeps telling me I NEED that umbrella??? I would feel more complete just owning it and having it with me, even if I never got to use it.
It’s just another example of the illogical desire that makes Valerie into a distinct personality. Maybe one day someone will snap their fingers and I will “wake up” from the hypnotic suggestion, and I won’t remember ever having worn all the dresses, etc. I will just look around and wonder why I have so many women’s things from the 1950s and beyond. I won’t believe my wife when she tells me I used to wear that stuff and prance around the house doing housework. Hopefully there is no video for her to prove it to me… that would be evidence… a “no-no” to us closeted ladies.
All that being said, I hope and pray that person never snaps their fingers, because it will erase a big part of me. As nutty as I know I am, I like being Valerie. …and I will buy that damn umbrella if I ever see it again!