…and just like that, it happened. Valerie walked out of the closet for a brief moment and saw the light of day with the help of the love of my life. Since that experience, I have been engulfed in a another type of emotional fog. This would have to be the rainbow fog for various reasons, but mostly because I think I have touched on every emotion (color) there possibly is. Let me step back and describe it best I can.
We decided to get it done sooner rather than later because we both have full schedules and the amount of available free time will be quite sparse. I also have to consider the season, and the farther out it is delayed, the longer into summer I will still need to conceal my feminine body traits. The downside to the decision to go quick is that I don’t really have a “blend in” wardrobe unless I would be attending an off Broadway production of Grease. I didn’t want to let the opportunity slip away so I decided I have some suitable things and could make do. We picked a location far from home and reserved a hotel room for a Saturday night stay. I was both intensely excited and literally scared to death at the thought of walking out the door into the world as Ms. Valerie South. Just thinking about it made me nervous.
Packing was a hell of a task for me, because Valerie never goes anywhere. I had to make a list in my mind and go through dry runs of getting ready to make sure I didn’t leave any essentials behind. My wife basically had an overnight bag and I had several. When I went to load them into the car she gave me a look of disbelief at the amount of literal baggage I had. I told her it takes a lot to build a girl like me.
With the kids taken care of, we headed out on Saturday morning heading for the hotel. The car ride was somewhat quiet. That was due to a couple of reasons… (1) my nerves and (2) my not wanting to go crazy talking about cross-dressing and turn her off of the whole adventure. I did tell her to search around and find any restaurant or place she would like to go that evening (with me in guy mode) and we would go. No restrictions, whatever she wanted. She spent some time searching around for what she would like and settled on a casual restaurant that specialized in unique beers. Again I told her that anything she selected would be fine with me.
Dinner was slow and gave us a chance to discuss a little bit about what was going to happen. I told her I just wanted to get 100% feminized (or as close as possible without SRS) and get out into the fresh air. That being said, I also told her I was scared and did not want to go around other people too much. Just going out for a drive and walk somewhere secluded would be fine with me. I asked her what she thought and she replied that this was all up to me. She wasn’t making any decisions regarding the dressing or going out, except to say she did not want to interact with others. That was too much for her to come to terms with at the moment.
I said to her that I didn’t feel like this was something she was comfortable doing, and she said very emphatically that it wasn’t. Just like the comment from a “GG” I referenced in a recent post, she stated this was all for me and it absolutely did not thrill her at all. She was doing it and somewhat helping, but this was all for me and she wanted as small a part as possible. I understand her perspective and also appreciate that just getting to this point was more than interaction with her than I have experienced in a long time.
I said to her that she knew that I was a cross-dresser before we were married and that I would still dress after we were married. She said “but I had no idea it would grow into something like this”. By this she meant all the items that Valerie wears, gear she utilizes, hair she removes, etc. etc. I am way beyond the cross-dresser I was when we last ventured outside. I can imagine this had grown into something way beyond her expectations. Even I have wondered where does this end? I stopped short of asking her if she had known it would be like this, would she have left me long ago or never even married me. To be totally honest, I was afraid to hear her answer to that question. Instead I just said “so why did you agree to do this?”. Her reply was pretty direct, she said, “Because I love you”. I could have cried then and there, but held it together. I excused myself and went to the bathroom for a brief reprieve.
Sensing what she was thinking, I said “You still think that I am gay don’t you?” Her reply was just as direct as the others…”Oh, I know you are. I just don’t believe you can let yourself accept it. You’re still in denial.”
There was not much I could say to make her believe me when I say I am not gay. I wish there was some test I could take to prove it to her. I don’t care if anyone else thinks I’m gay, but I don’t want my wife thinking that for obvious reasons. She still says she loves me and that’s how it is. I told her there are other wives or significant others out there if she wanted to talk to anyone else and she was very clear that she wanted absolutely no contact with anyone else. It was just between me and her. So be it.
As we left the restaurant, we looked across the parking lot to a shopping mall full of stores. The store directly in front of us was a huge sporting goods chain called Dick’s Sporting Goods. My wife being athletically inclined said “I love Dicks”, to which I replied “So do I”… Then she smiled and looked at me and said, “See, I knew you did”. You would think I would have seen that coming, but no… I walked right into the gay joke. Serves me right! So we headed back to the hotel so that her straight husband could shave his body and paint his toenails…
The next morning I got up and took a shower. I then did my makeup and got dressed. I wore a beautiful dress with a longer, full skirt (I am Valerie South you know) and my favorite pair of heels. After I put my wig on I woke up my wife so she could get ready. Whilst she did, I put on my jewelry and did my finger nails. When we were both done, she asked are you ready? I said I think so.
Out the door and heading to the car I was walking a bit briskly but something strange happened. That entire sense of uneasiness and panic that I had been experiencing since she said yes just disappeared. I felt fine and didn’t feel out of place at all, although I know I probably was. We got in the car and drove to a quiet area where there were several offices, shops and buildings on a huge campus. Being Sunday morning and reasonably early, there were few people about which made it an easy adjustment. I commented that if someone came up to us that I would need her to do the talking and she looked at me and said “if someone approaches us hunny, you’re on your own”. I hoped she was joking, but I kinda think she wasn’t.
Only one person came reasonably close and they looked directly at me for a brief second and then continued on their way with no further concern. That made me fell even better and we just walked around for quite awhile. Again, I wasn’t nervous and it really did feel exhilarating! It was a little cold outside and after a bit we headed back to the car. We then drove around for a time and just enjoyed being out. As the hotel check-out time was approaching, we headed back to the hotel. I walked back to the room and exhaled like I had been holding my breath for 20 years. My smile must have been ridiculous, as a matter of fact, I’m still smiling. At this point I sighed and began to deconstruct Valerie.
Now, many of you are probably saying “That’s it? That’s all they did??”. Well there may have been a bit more, but I’ll save that for later. For me this was monumental. I am an extreme closet dweller who until about a week ago never thought I would ever venture outside dressed again. For the rest of the day we did anything my wife wanted. Whatever she said was fine with me. Nothing mattered as I was filled with a sense of joy I haven’t experienced for a long, long time. I was content.
So it was a brutal dose of reality to hear that my wife still doesn’t really want anything to do with my cross-dressing. She puts up with it and will do what I ask (within reason) simply because she loves me. She also is absolutely sure I am gay, and I can’t seem to convince her otherwise. Doesn’t matter to her I guess, because she loves me. And as long as we love each other we continue down this road as a couple.
One side note: this little adventure has solved my problem about what to do about my next doctor visit. I am hairless and my toes are again bright red, and they are staying that way for awhile. My follow up appointment is just days away and it is Que Sera, Sera! I am so not concerned at the moment. I am just still smiling.
It will take some time for me to sort through the emotions and honest talk me and my wife shared during the weekend. I am still “So Very Deep” in the closet and I guess that is where I will remain for the time being. Only difference is that I have a huge smile on my face and know I have a wife who will help me be myself even though it just isn’t her thing. I guess in the end, not much has really changed.
Did I mention that I have a huge smile on my face?