I have not been very active in the many aspects of being Valerie as of late, surely a product of the time of year and my mandatory return to a more male existence. I have described it often (and probably way too much) that there is a depressing funk that embraces me when my body goes down the right path while my mind remains on the left.
I probably wouldn’t have gone in for a chat, but Samantha had some issues she wanted to talk through and no matter what my mindset is, I will always be there for a friend… especially one who has been there for me many times! So we talked and hopefully I was able to help a bit. I’m not sure I really did, but Samantha said it was beneficial. However, I know she would tell me that no matter what. What I do know from personal experience is just having someone listen can be therapeutic, even if there is no possible way the listener can offer a solution. So at the very least I was a good listener.
Some others came and went as we talked. No one we knew from previous discussions, and none of them stayed very long so it seemed more like a distraction vs. some other perspectives. I think they could sense it was a one sided conversation and just chose to move on. I’ve been there before and sometimes it’s just the best way to go.
After Samantha’s issues were talked out, the conversation migrated to a phenomenon that I have experienced several times over the years. The idea that all cross-dressers are really transsexuals, in various points of discovery and acceptance. What brought it on once again is that so many of the CDs we both have known have grown to discover/accept they are women. Samantha wondered if she (and even I) were just hanging on to avoid the inevitable.
She described her feelings like that of the spirit left hanging out in the subway in the movie Ghost. As Patrick Swayze was trying to figure out what he was, how to cope, and how to move on, the subway spirit just stayed behind in “limbo” for some reason. He gave some guidance to the Patrick character, but became agitated when questioned why he was still “in between”. Eventually he ran off and yelled to just leave him alone. It was both an interesting and somewhat amusing analogy.
The discussion moved away from trans* issues for a bit, as we traveled down a bit of a Hollywood tangent (Off on a tangent?? I’m sure you are not surprised), discussing various movies, actors and actresses. It was noted that actresses no longer like to be referred to as such, preferring that all are categorized simply as “actors”, with no reference to gender. Interesting…
However, it came back to trans* as it is bound to eventually do when we both are involved. I said she can stick with the Ghost analogy, but I am feeling like The Matrix is making more sense to me right now. For those who don’t know the back story of the movie, the matrix is a program designed to fool and satisfy the human brain into thinking it is living an existence so that the machines can use our sedated bodies as a power source. Crazy huh? Anyway, at one point in the movie, one of the agents was explaining that the initial matrix failed because the architect made it utopian. Everyone was given a perfect life with no conflict, but it failed because humans could not accept it. Instead they had to build in individuality, suffering and anguish before the mind could be “fooled”.
So the matrix gave some of us good jobs and some undesirable jobs. Some were rich and some had to be poor. Likewise, some of us have to be “perfect” (and I use that term loosely) males and “perfect” females. I just happened to be one of the “copper-tops” that were made gender and era confused. It makes as much sense as any of the other explanations I have heard. So whenever we get one of those deja-vu moments in life (and there are many), remember… it is just a glitch in the matrix.
So no matter how many times I tell myself and the world that I am 99.9% sure I simply a cross-dresser, nothing more and nothing less, the conversation inevitably comes up and I have to consider that 0.1% possibility there is a possibility of something more. Right now the gauge is at about 99.5 to 0.5%, but still the odds are with me. That is until the architect rewrites the program again…