This is my 100th post. I was hoping to make it a special one with a description of another outing as Valerie, in my new modern “blending” outfit. Unfortunately this post won’t be that, in fact it will end up being the exact opposite.
Over the last several months, I have had a close family member get diagnosed with a fatal condition, and I have been watching as this individual begins to deteriorate in front of our eyes. It is a truly devastating condition, and makes us all feel helpless as it progresses. Most of my time of late has been dedicated to dealing with the situation at hand. Along with a busy work schedule and family responsibilities, there has been been no real time for Valerie at all. To be honest, I have not even had much desire to dress, while dealing with such an unfortunate event.
So I never did finish my “blending” outfit and never did make another trip out into the world… and now I never will.
Full disclosure here. I got stupid. Even more than ever before. I put myself and my relationship with my wife at risk… Over the last few months, I started taking a breast enhancing supplement. I didn’t want to grow large boobs, but did want a little shape to work into cleavage as we cross-dressers do. Honestly, I didn’t take much, and according to what I read online not nearly a large enough dose or for long enough to have any real effect. But I still sought it out, bought it and did ingest some. That is a fact, regardless of the meaning anyone wants to attach to the action.
Long story short, my wife found the supplements and confronted me about them. What could I say? As I said above, I sought them out, bought them, and ingested some of it. Needless to say she was incredibly upset, and rightfully so. I may not have lied to her about them, but I wasn’t honest either. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and completely and immediately remorseful.
My wife was calm and actually composed her thoughts in written form to make sure it didn’t become an argument, so she would not lose her train of thought and ensured she could get her message across clearly.
However, the message is it all has to end now, or we are finished. Valerie has to cease to exist. I have always said my family… my wife and kids come first, so I agreed. So I have now made the ultimate purge… everything, and I feel horrible. For the first time in my life, I have nothing physical that represents Valerie. Just thoughts and feelings that will now go to a deeper level of the closet. A level that until now, I didn’t know existed. I can only hope I learn to live with this void.
So my 100th post is actually my goodbye to you all. I am teary eyed writing this, but I can’t lose my wife/family. I have no other options that I can see.
So goodbye to all of you that I have met, come to know, and have learned to love so much.
Ruth, Kirsty, Cynthia… you were all starting out blogging about the same time I started, and I have enjoyed the posts/talks we’ve had. You are all wonderfully inspirational girls! Michelle, you came along a bit later but instantly became a kindred spirit, and are equally as inspirational as the others.
Mimi,and Ms. Ed, we weren’t always talking gender issues, in fact more often not, but I enjoyed the witty posts you have always shared with the world.
Samantha, Linda, Pat, Sherri and Rose, you weren’t blogging but still had an immense impact on me and So Very Deep. I enjoyed the comments, chats and emails we shared.
I’ve left at least a 100 of you out, but please know I will also miss you all. In the interest of time, I have to cut it short. (I hear the music increasing in volume, like at the Oscars when they are kindly telling you to “shut the hell up, and get off the stage!”)
So this is post #100. Not at all how I anticipated it happening.
9 thoughts on “My 100th post…”
What you are doing will be terribly hard but for all the right reasons. I admire you for your support of your wife and family and truly wish you all the best. I do hope you are able to carry though with this. Your family is worth it.
I was just thinking I had not seen a post from you in awhile. This is not the post I expected to see. I truly wish you the best and hope you and your family can deal with this situation. I will keep you in my thoughts and keep the lights on just in case you want to stop by.
I’m so sorry to read that, it must have been so hard to do. I love reading your posts! You are such an inspiration 🙂 I digitally send all my best thoughts and hugs as adequate words seem to fail me just now xxx
I felt so sad as I read this, Val, so goodness knows how you must be feeling. I’ve sent you a little email with my thoughts, in the hope you’ve not yet deleted the account.
Look after yourself and be well.
Feelings about crossdressing run deep for me, but I too felt it necessary to end put an end to my crossdressing as it was taking over my life and I was neglecting the things that were important to me including my (unknowing) wife and family and other commitments. I have felt feelings of regret and what I call ‘cold turkey’ but it has now been around four months since I last crossdressed. Although I was once ‘found out’, some time ago before I started cross dressing again, I remain here to tell the tale with everything that I hold dear still intact, yet I still started crossdressing again.
That was until I realised that I had to do one final purge, make a brave decision and end it all as I had been more or less totally enveloped by my crossdressing. It is by no means easy to try and move on. Although I had no wish to become transgender, having made a brave decision, I empathise with your situation Val and a truly wish you all the very best with finding balance and karma.
Hi Val. This is terrible news. Just very sad. I shall ,as Ruth is doing, send you a private e mail assuming that the e mail address is still active.
Oh Val I’m so sorry. You were an inspiration to me in your own way, and I always loved your writing style – always some new insight or a different angle I hadn’t considered. It must be so hard to be in the position you are in now, it’s not something I could ever seriously contemplate. But as with all of us, you have to do what’s best for you. The very best of luck to you.
Oh I am so sorry to hear about what is happening in your life at the moment. Everyone who has posted and all those others who read your story actually understand your plight.
I know things are very raw and probably pretty scarry for you at this time. But your attitude is commendable and will help you through this.
For what it is worth, you don’t have to be able to understand how this will play out. Just trust that it will. I made a promise to my family that I would not dress again. That was four years ago. It was done so as not to distress them. Do I still need to? Yes. And I still buy clothes and my wife knows although she still does not understand. I would not have thought this would happen four years ago.
Please know your site has been very important to me as another closeted kindred spirit. And now I hope you can receive strength and resiliance from our empathy with you.
We will all be hoping for a gentle, generous and positive outcome.
With my warmest regards,
I am so sorry that things are now upside down. I am also sorry that it has taken me almost a month to post a comment on #100. Life often finds a way of interfering in the part of our personna that looks to find a feminine outlet.
I am now in my fourth decade of happy marriage to a wonderful loving woman. She has never loved my dressing and there were times when she put her foot down as it seems your wife has now done. There were even events when she tossed some of my stashed clothing. In hindsight it was her reacting not our of a lack of love or even understanding for me and my proclivities but it was the mother lion doing what her instincts told her to do to protect her cubs. Times and acceptance of a CD were a bit tougher twenty years ago than they are today but my wife instinctively knew that the relationship that I, as a man, had with my sons and family was paramount to their development and aging. She had to protect her family and in doing so made me promise to shelve my CD side.
Over time things do change. The kids went to school and now we are empty nesters. She has realized that clothes are simply clothes. She has also grown to realize that some of the personality factors that she loves in my are those same forces that make me a CD.
My advice is to give your wife time, love and respect and give the same to yourself. I doubt that your CD tendencies will ever disappear…they did not for me. As I have aged and no longer can hope to look good in a dress I do regret not being able to dress and get out and about when I looked better than I can hope to look now but life if full of compromises and sacrifices and we have pledged our honor, our love, etc. to our wives and families. It is an issue of understanding priorities. Things change…time marches on.
I wish you and your family the best in each and every regard.
All my best to you all.