A little bit of this… and then some more of this

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fragment

Noun \ frag·ment \ˈfrag-mənt\

a portion broken off, detached, or incomplete part

Valerie Fragment

Noun \ val·er·ie frag·ment \ val·(ə-)rē ˈfrag-mənt\

a portion or broken thought, detached mental meanderings, or an incomplete selection of rumination

Its been a few months since I bored you all with some of those little blurbs I like to call Valerie Fragments, where I can talk about some thoughts or happenings that aren’t enough for a complete post on their own merit. So fasten your seat belts, I don’t want anyone getting hurt with excitement!

Oh God no… not a pink one!

I was in a store in a local shopping mall when I saw man of about 30 years asking a salesgirl if they had a particular type of item he was looking for. I didn’t hear what the specific item was, but she went to check and came back with bad news… “sorry, no”. She then said if he would write down his name and phone number, she could check around and get back to him, which seemed to please him. She went to a checkout station a retrieved a pen and note pad and laid it on the counter for him. The salesgirl then proceeded to ring up another customer who was waiting. The man picked up the notepad and went around to the other side of the station… and picked up a different pen. He then wrote down his details.

The pen the salesgirl had initially set down for him was pink. I could only assume that being the astute being that he is, he was successfully able to avoid an unwanted feminine contamination, that quite possibly could have resulted in his penis popping off. Clever man! I smirked at the whole episode, but thought it was a good example of a strange fear that most men have of the slightest appearance of feminine behavior… like writing with a pink pen.

I have now come to the conclusion that to keep the average man off something or away from something you don’t want them fiddling with, just color it pink or put a flower on it. It will be considered radioactively feminine from there on.

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Who knew?? And I have none of these in my purse!

Why are women naturally so much closer than men?

Sort of piggy-backing on the previous fragment, I wonder why men are so unwilling or incapable of showing any real emotion around each other. I have watched women who see each other after a long break hug each other with real emotion. I have witnessed three girls out for the evening pile tightly into the front seat of a car (think back to the days of bench seats). I have observed a woman grab another woman’s hand and lead her into a store to look at something. Nothing special in-and-of itself, but could you ever men doing these things? Yeah, me neither…

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I might just have a second career I never knew about.

Once again I have been doing some traveling for work and on a longer flight I had a nice conversation with a female flight attendant. (Can’t call them stewardesses anymore, but I still do.) She said she enjoys her job most of the time, but sometimes it’s a little depressing watching people come and go, moving on to exciting new horizons (maybe) and she is in the same place no matter where the plane is. Kind of reminds me of my life as Valerie. For years I have met trans* people who have found themselves and grown and moved on to exciting new horizons (maybe) and I am in the same place no matter where the closet is. I need to get my hands on a vintage stewardess outfit, makes being in a holding pattern a little more tolerable… preferably Trans World Airlines of course! Coffee, tea, or me?

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Leia and Padme have nothing on Grace.

The hype over Star Wars is on the wane now, but for several months it was the topic du jour everywhere. I did my share of reading since I grew up with the movies. By far the best article I read was on the costumes/fashions and hair styles of the females in that galaxy far, far away… Of course they talked about Princess Leia’s and Queen Amidala’s wild hairstyles and how they were groundbreaking. I suppose they were to a point, but I have seen some similarly innovative hair styles on another princess I am familiar with… a long time ago, but not so far, far away…

Funny how I have not seen any of these styles in the wigs stores…

So, what did you do?

At Christmas time I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and challenged everyone to do something nice for someone you don’t know. Well? Did you do it?? You don’t really have to tell me, but if you didn’t do it (yet) then get on with it will ya??

That’s all I’ve got at the moment… be well ladies!

-ValS

…with boughs of holly

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It’s my second Christmas here on So Very Deep, and so it’s also my second opportunity to wish you all a Merry Christmas (or Happy Christmas, depending where you are)! Just like last year, and every year really, I want to wish everyone peace and good fortune in your lives and with your loved ones.

In the spirit of the season, take the opportunity to do something kind for someone that you don’t know. It doesn’t have to be something major, just something that you wouldn’t do in your everyday life. Go above and beyond your normal generosity. Make a point to do it. Pay for someone’s meal, offer to help someone in need out in some way, etc. Don’t overthink it, an opportunity will present itself and you will know this is your chance. Just do it and you can cuss me later.

The point is I always feel that people have the power to generate a positive spirit and it becomes infectious, and right now the world could use some extra goodness!

So once again I will leave you with some fabulous Christmas images, Valerie South style!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Love you all,

-ValS

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Not all vintage things are glamorous and each new year we (hopefully) get better

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It’s no secret that this cross-dresser has a predilection for things both feminine and vintage, especially from the 1950’s era. From clothes to make-up I love the look from that time and it has a big influence on all things Valerie.

In a recent conversation with a wife of a cross-dresser I have known for quite awhile, she commented that there was very little she found appealing about the era and was genuinely glad she wasn’t born into it. Her main issue was the general repression women were subjected to, and the extreme lack of opportunity.

Honestly I agree whole-heartedly with her assessment of the era for women. I love the idea of being a 1950’s housewife, but that is purely my choice. I might feel differently if it was automatically forced upon me solely because of my gender. I guess it’s similar (to a degree) to how much I hate the idea that I can’t wear the dresses and make-up I would like to because I was born a male. Gender shouldn’t limit any of us or force anyone into a predetermined role… then, now or in the future.

Many cross-dressers feel they have an insight into the world of women that the average guy will never ever have. I am one of those CDs. I understand why women do some of the things they do and like some of the things they like, while many of my guy friends shake their heads and complain that women are just crazy and unpredictable.

So with that insight or just enlightened feminine awareness, I am frequently reminded of the less than ideal situation many women found themselves in during my beloved 1950’s. I spend quite a bit of time exploring the era through archives and images, and some of the things I find are not so pleasant. Nowhere is it more evident than in some of the advertising from that period. So after that recent conversation and since we are now ushering in another new year (i.e. moving forward and making progress), I thought it would be worthwhile to share some of those images I have come across. These are not necessarily all from the 1950’s, but you will get the idea:

That'll teach her!!

That’ll teach her!!

Yes, we know they're all stupid, but it is still illegal.

Yes, we know they’re all stupid, but it is still illegal.

So that's why the beautiful ones always smell so bad.

So that’s why the beautiful ones always smell so bad.

Good thing he's able to figure this out for her!

Good thing he’s able to figure this out for her!

Don't do it for yourself, do it for your husband!

Don’t do it for yourself, do it for your husband!

Well, she does project well but...

Well, she does project well but…

"...I'm bound to bungle up the budget." That attitude would make me feel a bit "punk" also.

“…I’m bound to bungle up the budget.” That attitude would make me feel a bit “punk” also.

Yes! A wife is always to blame!

Yes! A wife is always to blame!

"You seem to thrive on cooking, cleaning, and dusting..." LOL!

“You seem to thrive on cooking, cleaning, and dusting…” LOL!

"Gran Prix Enterprises" Coincidence? I don't think so. And why is the men's version a dollar more??

“Gran Prix Enterprises” Coincidence? I don’t think so. And why is the men’s version a dollar more??

Damn right she should question herself!

Damn right she should question herself!

If these don't show her it's a man's world I just don't know what will.

If these don’t show her it’s a man’s world, I just don’t know what will.

So... that's what wives are for... Love that smile!

So… that’s what wives are for… Love that smile!

So there are a few things from yesteryear that I am not a fan of, this attitude and advertising being a big one…

So anyway, Happy New Year to you! I, for one, am looking forward to this new year and all the potential it brings!

-ValS

When Valerie wins, am I losing it?

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I kid around a lot sometimes. Maybe too much sometimes, but I usually try to manage stress, anxiety, and conflict with a little humor. More often than not, it benefits me personally… often psychologically.

I don’t consider myself to be crazy, even with the feminine influence that Valerie and cross-dressing thrusts into my life. In fact, I think I am more balanced and (I’m going to say it…) more sane than most people I know. I just know that biologically or mentally something went wrong with me. I am not normal. That’s not a bad thing, and I really do think we transgendered people sometimes have a broader range of perspective (not always, and nothing is absolute) than “normal” people. However, I honestly do sometimes wonder if I should seek out some type of therapy for my cross-dressing.

What I sometimes think I need therapy for is to help with the ability to understand, accept, and mostly control the feminine desires I experience. For the most part I keep my feminine personality apart from my guy life. I don’t cross them intentionally; however I know I have done it subconsciously on many occasions. But there are times when the desire / need to be Valerie starts to affect my real life and it can be concerning.

I sat in a business meeting last week listening to the results of some analytics we decided to explore (fun stuff, huh?). A woman from an outside business partner was presenting some data to the group and we were all sitting around a conference table. She just happened to be sitting right next to me. She’s a very nice lady, with impeccable style. Very impressive.

She happened to be wearing a pair of heels that were a wonderful shade of dark maroon. Dark enough to be business-like, but showing enough color to be stylish and expressive. They had about a 2.5” heel, not chunky but not in danger of being stiletto. Somewhere comfortably in between, again business-like, yet with style and expression.

The toes weren’t rounded like the typical 1950’s Valerie South model, however they also weren’t pointed like the wicked witch look that I frequently see on business women. They had a little accent on the vamp that was so subtle you had to be looking for it or you might just think they were plain. They were great shoes that could easily become part of Valerie South’s “real world” (real time) wardrobe.

I didn’t see any distinct marks to help reveal the brand or store where these beauties could be found. I knew I wouldn’t be able to ask her about them without seeming like a foot fetishist. I just hoped I could somehow stumble upon them at a time or a place where I could get myself a pair. At the same time, I was hoping they weren’t too expensive, as we know retailers love to target/punish women’s fashion items.

Then it happened. Someone else spoke and I realized they were talking to me. I knew at once what they were asking of me, and I was a totally appropriate question for the meeting… did the woman’s findings line up with the information I had?

I said potentially, and that I needed to look into it more, then the conversation naturally went a different direction.

Truth is I had no idea what the woman’s findings were. She spent several minutes presenting them and all I can tell you about is those fabulous shoes. This has never happened to me before, and I have never before let my cross-dressing affect my work. I was embarrassed and a bit angry at myself. How could I let this happen to me?? So very unprofessional!

I was also a little bit scared. I lost control to my cross-dressing desires in my real world, without realizing what I was doing. That concerns me greatly. Will it happen again? Is it getting worse? Am I sliding out of control?? Is it just a simple slip and no big deal???

I just am not sure.

I love being Valerie. I don’t want it to go away, nor do I want to repress my cross-dressing. But I must have control of my two sides. I can not put my career and family at risk. I just need to know I am still steering this ship, whether in a dress or in a pair of pants. Things like this haven’t been happening frequently, but they do happen. I just wonder if I should seek out some sort of counseling for the control aspect before it should slide to a level that is truly problematic.

Seeking out some therapy/counseling feels like admitting either: 1) I am losing control, and/or 2) I am indeed crazy. I don’t believe either one of these to be true, but I do like to be pro-active. I fear that even commenting about the idea to my wife will make her jump to those same two false conclusions. I don’t think I am honestly ready or need to take a step like that, seems a little drastic. I think I just need to keep an even closer eye on it.

So I keep the thought locked up with me in the same closet that I have resided in all my life. Some women enjoy walk-in closets, I just happen to have a live-in closet.

-ValS

You are feeling very sleepy….

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So I was recently watching a talk show, as I have been known to do on many occasions. On stage was a group of people who were supposedly volunteers from the audience. One kept barking like a dog. Another was walking/strutting around like a chicken whilst making an annoying clucking sound. Another was searching for fleas or bugs on the person beside her, much like a monkey would do. In the back was a woman singing opera like she was performing at the Met. There were others, but you get the idea.

The guest of the day was a hypnotist, and he was putting on a good show for the audience at the good natured expense of the volunteers. After they were told to forget his orders to behave oddly, the hypnotist woke the group up. They were all fine and talked about feeling a bit odd, but not really remembering doing what they had just done on stage. They were shown video as evidence and they all laughed in disbelief.

After watching, I thought that somewhere along the line in my life, I must have been hypnotized. Somehow the hypnotist had forgotten to remove the orders to want to look and act like a woman, and to think I was living in the 1950’s. Somehow I must have gotten out of the show or performance without that final step being completed. It all makes sense now!!

However, there are a few flaws to this theory. First of all, I don’t recall being on a talk show or at a hypnotist’s performance. I asked my mother if I had ever been on television when I was young, or in the presence of a hypnotist. The only thing she could think of was my attending a children’s morning television show at a local television station. Some clowns, some puppets, and a make-believe farmer and his wife as the hosts. Nothing too suspicious there. I then asked what the farmer’s wife was wearing, and my mother replied she had no idea. She then asked me why would I want to know that, and I quickly just changed the subject.

Another flaw to this theory is that as the hypnotized group was doing all these odd things, they seemed unaware of the fact that it was indeed odd. I get that putting on a dress, heels, make-up, wig, etc. is not typically normal for most guys. I am not just following some cross-dressing orders oblivious to that fact that it’s happening. I am fully aware of what I am doing.

Another thing is that they had no recollection of having done these things once the “suggestion” was removed. Remember they had to be shown a video as evidence. I am aware of the fact that I dress up and typically clean my house long after I return to guy form. Once the femme euphoria wears off and the realization that I now have to wear male clothes hits, it’s generally all I can think of, which would be the exact opposite of what they experienced. However, I am still chasing this ludicrous theory as if the “suggestion” has not been removed from my mind, so there is room for some flexibility here.

So let’s assume it did happen, I was hypnotized as a child to have an extreme desire to look and act like a typical woman from the 1950’s. The hypnotic suggestion allowed me to be aware of the desires, but unable to fend it off for more than 4-5 months. So eventually something triggers the desire in me. The hypnotist on TV said whenever the volunteers hear a bell, they would act out the suggestions. My trigger must be temperature related. Cold winter weather makes me want to be a housewife. This is starting to make even more sense now!!

But who would have me hypnotized in the first place?? I didn’t know my wife back then, so she’s innocent. Maybe my mom had it done so I wouldn’t be a messy child. I had and older sibling that was very messy, and my mom constantly complained about it. I however, was always a neat freak and needed things organized. I also used to stay home from school, dress up and clean my house. Hmmm… free housekeeping services for my mother. Could it be?

My mother and wife get along very well and talk to each other quite often. They are much closer that a typical wife and mother-in-law usually are. Maybe my mother has left the hypnotic suggestion in place so that my wife can now take advantage of my services. As I said, my wife doesn’t particularly love my cross-dressing, but she tolerates it. At least I was led to believe she tolerates it. It is possible that she lets me think she is being accepting of my desires, but is in fact just using me for cleaning services. I clean and love her immensely for allowing me to do it! What a deal for her!

Ok, ok, I am way out there on this one. There is no way this could have realistically happened and I am just being a bit silly again. It actually sounds like the premise of a transvestite fiction story, like what you can find plastered all over the internet. It also sounds like an odd movie that would be shown on the Lifetime movie channel (or as I like to call it, the “Men are no damn good” channel).

The point I really want to make is that the desire to cross-dress and my attraction to all things 1950’s seems like something is planted in my mind. I can’t express to all the “normal” people in the world how strange it is to have a desire that you know is odd and yet you can’t seem to dismiss it. It just eats at you until you either satisfy the urge to dress etc. or you go crazy.

The other weekend when I fell in love will an old orange pagoda style umbrella, I knew I could never use it. Being in the closet means never needing an umbrella for Valerie. I could never carry it in guy mode. It was completely feminine (and oh so lovely!) and there was no way a guy would carry it anymore than he would carry a purse. So the umbrella made absolutely no sense to a closeted CD. None what-so-ever, I know that. So why do I feel so compelled to own it?? What is this “hypnotic suggestion” that keeps telling me I NEED that umbrella??? I would feel more complete just owning it and having it with me, even if I never got to use it.

It’s just another example of the illogical desire that makes Valerie into a distinct personality. Maybe one day someone will snap their fingers and I will “wake up” from the hypnotic suggestion, and I won’t remember ever having worn all the dresses, etc. I will just look around and wonder why I have so many women’s things from the 1950s and beyond. I won’t believe my wife when she tells me I used to wear that stuff and prance around the house doing housework. Hopefully there is no video for her to prove it to me… that would be evidence… a “no-no” to us closeted ladies.

All that being said, I hope and pray that person never snaps their fingers, because it will erase a big part of me. As nutty as I know I am, I like being Valerie. …and I will buy that damn umbrella if I ever see it again!

-ValS

Those ‘oh so subtle clues…

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I have been thinking lately that I just may not be as covert as I think I am. I have always taken steps to blend in as much as possible in the traditional male world. There are many times that I am literally faking it, just to avoid the possibility of being labeled a sissy. I do this mostly out of fear, as I have discussed before.

But every once in awhile something happens or someone says something that makes me wonder if I’m the only one who thinks I am under the radar. Several times I have asked my wife if I come across as effeminate or gay to the outside world, and she has always said no. I’m sure she would tell me if that wasn’t the case. But I never feel totally secure, and these little “questionable” occurrences always make me wonder.

When I was in high school, two female friends of mine asked me directly if I was gay. I absolutely denied being anything close to gay, and honestly protested the question too much. I should have just laughed and said no, but I sort of panicked since they were getting close to my secret. The point is I was giving off an effeminate vibe, and they picked up on it.

On another occasion, a coworker came into my area and began to show some of the other women her wedding pictures. They ooh’ed and ah’d and I just kept on working. She then said loud enough for everyone to hear, “I haven’t been showing these to guys, but YOU might be interested…” After that comment, I didn’t want to appear interested, so I said maybe later. Truth is I would love to have looked at them, but the defense of my closet is too important.

On another occasion in that same work setting, a female co-worker came into the area and began to describe an outfit she was planning for some occasion. She immediately stopped when she looked at me almost as if she hadn’t realized a guy was there, and she began to say she would finish up later. One of the women said “Don’t worry about him. He’s just one of the girls… keep going”. I’m sure I turned red, but just kept my head down and kept on working.

I had another female coworker years later that would show me her nails every time she had them professionally done. I never saw her show anyone else her nails, but she showed me on at least 10 occasions. I would just nod my head an say something like “nice” or “looks good”. I really couldn’t say “I’m so jealous”, but that is what I would be thinking.

I have been asked by a woman if I liked her shoes, or if she should switch to a different pair. I have even been asked if I had a nail file with me. These are not things that guys get asked, but they happen to me once a year or so. So frequently that it makes me wonder if I do give out a femme vibe. Yet, so infrequently that I have to wonder if it is just coincidence or random innocent comments that bring about that paranoia I have described.

Usually, after it happens, it bothers me for about a day or two and then I will begin to forget about it. It just so happens that something similar happened to me last week at work. A different setting and different people than previously discussed, but that same paranoid feeling of “do they know?” A group of ladies were talking about sports, specifically a game that just happened and a player was hurt. I wasn’t directly in the conversation but heard enough to know what they were discussing. One of the ladies finally had enough and said the injured player should just “suck it up and be a man”. Then she began to leave and walked right by me and said “some guys just aren’t made as tough as they used to be”. Then she looked straight at me and said “Isn’t that right?” while giving me a sideways glance.

I should have said something more masculine, or anything masculine for that matter. Instead I just shrugged and kind of smirked. No matter how many times it happens, I never seem to be prepared to fend it off. An hour later I always think of a great comeback. “Day late and a dollar short” or “hindsight is 20/20”… whatever saying you prefer.

I will continue to act as if there is nothing going on, but I will always wonder if that femme vibe is out there. I think women will pick up on it more then men will, because the average man is oblivious to subtle clues. I can be guilty of that myself at times, especially when not feeling the feminine side of myself.

I’m sure it really is partially coincidence, but I am not the total man’s man that would prevent some of these questions or comments. Just to be clear:

No, I am not gay.

Yes, I would love to look at your wedding pictures.

Yes, I would love to hear about your outfit.

Yes, your nails look great, and I am totally jealous.

Yes, those shoes are perfect. Classy and feminine, but still professional.

Yes, I actually do have a nail file.

No, I’m not as tough as some guys.

And finally, YES I believe I am still under the radar! (At least I hope so).

-ValS