If you haven’t figured me out yet, don’t feel bad… I haven’t figured me out either. But I tend to bounce between thoughts that can be very serious in nature to the just plain silly. Even worse is the fact that sometimes I am not even sure which is which. That is largely why I say this blog is made up of the “ramblings of a life long cross-dresser”.
I’m sure I have said it already more than a few times, but I tend to think of myself as having multiple personalities. Not like one of those overdramatic schizophrenic movies where one personality takes over another and makes him/her do their bidding. I don’t want to make light of schizophrenia or any other condition, as I know it is a huge struggle for these individuals, and Hollywood rarely does them any favors. They rarely do us cross-dressers any favors either, but I’m sure you understand my point.
It is obvious that I have a guy side, which seems to be diminishing over time, but never-the-less is still there. I have a huge feminine side known as Valerie, who is sort of the dominant personality in my life anymore. On the outside, she barely exists, but on the inside she’s on top.
In additional to the male and female side of myself, there is a third personality that does rear its head up every once in awhile. I don’t have a name for this personality, but it’s the over-emotional me that wants to save the world, climb above the superficial crap, and help those who truly need help.
In my male life, I work in business. I work in an industry and for a company that makes millions… actually billions, and I like what I do. I do it well, get results, and have progressed well up the ladder.
In Val’s world, there is nothing more I would rather do that take care of my house and make myself pretty for my wife (who really doesn’t desire me looking pretty, but that is how my housewife fantasy goes). It’s all makeup, dresses, shoes, and all things superficially feminine with that oh-so-obvious vintage twist.
But every once in awhile I have a desire to do something just to help. Something that Val or guy-Val just wouldn’t think of. Those desires hit me at the most inopportune times and usually are brought on by outside stimulation, such as television, music or just something I witnessed.
Sometimes I step back from both guy and girl personalities and my third self (which needs a name) rules my head and heart. Sometimes I ask myself what have you done that really amounts to anything substantial to benefit the world? Most days I have to answer nothing. Maybe I went to work and did my job well. It means nothing to those living in poverty. Maybe I stayed home; femme’d my self up and did some housework. All those animals being abused or living in shelters are no better off.
This idealistic and charitable personality is getting stronger all the time. I commented in an earlier post that if I won the lottery, I would make a lot of changes. A lot of that post was tongue-in-cheek, but some was very accurate. I would quit my job (assuming I won enough), and I would dress as a woman much more. However, I would also fill my days doing something “bigger” that had real meaning. That would truly be the best part of winning the lottery, just having the means to make a change.
I do donate to charity, and while that is satisfying to a degree, it feels like I am just buying my conscious off. Sort of like saying “here’s $xx.xx, now leave me alone.” I still don’t get the satisfaction of really contributing. I also don’t have a lot of free time to volunteer in anything much. I work a lot! Lotsa hours! I’m not whining, it just comes with along with the job I have. I also have many family time demands that pull me in different directions. Truth is I barely have enough time for Valerie, I have no idea how I can fit this additional personality into the mix.
One way or another I need to figure it out. The lottery angle is probably not gonna happen anytime soon. I can dream, but I am not without common sense. Somehow I need to be able to satisfy this growing “hippy” personality without sacrificing my male self and Valerie. My dream is to live a life that allows me to keep all three personalities satisfied. I spend many hours thinking how or what I could do to make this happen. Hopefully I will come up with the solution soon.
In the meantime, Valerie has started looking into some tie-dyed skirts and sandals. Sorry, but June Cleaver would never wear these, and they simply don’t go with pearls!